Whether you are toilet training over 3 days, over 7 days, over a lifetime {or maybe it just feels like that}, or overnight before your child could walk {which I’m totally calling bullshit on}, I thought it would be a good idea to provide a guide for parents to this super fun, awesome experience.

Whether your child is 1, 2, 3 or almost 4 and as stubborn as a bloody ox and as capable of having an insane tantrum that lasts for 40 minutes screaming out for a nappy a little reticent and will fall apart in a pool of tears at a second’s notice, this guide is for you.

A little note before you read the guide: it’s probably easiest for everyone concerned if you follow this guide with your pants off. Butterfly wing singlets are the outfit du jour in our home. Anything else is excess and will likely get in the way of your drinking toilet training. Or if you must wear knickers, make sure they’re easy to remove.

The ONLY Toilet Training Guide for Parents You Need to Read

On waking: take your stress/anxiety pill. In fact, I’m no doctor but I reckon doubling your dose during this period is highly advisable.

At breakfast: Splash some vodka in your healthy green smoothie. And by splash I mean you’ll know when to stop pouring when it splashes over the sides.

Lunch {or let’s face it, brunch if you can’t hold out for lunch}: it’s mimosa time darling. All the mummas are having them.

Afternoon tea: it’s gin and tonic o’clock. Praise cheeses. Light on the tonic.

Dinner: refer to yesterday’s post.

After the child is in bed {and thankfully wearing a bloody nappy so you don’t have to think about it for a few hours}: pour yourself a drink darling … you’ve earned it.

What?

{If you don’t drink, go see your doctor and increase your anxiety meds. You won’t regret it. See, this really is a guide for all parents!}

Gotta go, I need to pee. Maybe I’ll get a sticker. Or a glass of wine …