I am far from alone. I have these three gorgeous creatures who I come home to every night. I hold them and talk to them and cuddle them – and I get a lot of love from them in return.
I am surrounded by people every day at my new job. I am crazy busy.
But I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so lonely.
I think losing my friend last week really exacerbated the feeling. He lived overseas and I haven’t seen him since I was pregnant. Our contact was sporadic. But losing a real friend hit home. Hard. Sadly it’s not my first {or my closest} experience with the death of someone I love.
But in the past 10 days I have had cause to wonder about everything.
What now? Am I doing what I really want to be doing with my life? Am I living in a city I really want to live in? Why am I still single after spending the better part of a decade alone? Why have I not seen more of the world? Am I living the life I want to be living, or the life I think I should be living? Am I fulfilling my potential? What legacy have I got to leave the world? What have I done that’s magnificent, or even vaguely memorable?
And why has loneliness settled around me like a foggy cloud that doesn’t want to lift when the sun comes out?
bumpyroadtobubba 
Deep profound questions for the ages….
I understand. I just turned 60 , recently lost part of my vision, am alone, far from family….you are in my thoughts.
So sorry for your loss. I think we all have those moments and questions at times, wish I had some great words of wisdom for you but alas all I can offer is hug those beautiful babies and live for the moment.
I am so sorry about your friend. Your questions resonate for me too.
Typists attempt at advice: I think we all feel like that at some point, especially the idea of getting caught up in living the life someone else thinks I should live, or the idea of a life I think I should live. However in answer to you “What have I done that’s magnificent, or even vaguely memorable” you were brave enough to chose to be a mum, just look at the amazing little person Bubba is turning into and that is your answer I look at her and pray that some day I will be lucky enough to have a child even half as lovely as she is. Look at everything you have done for your fury friends (Bella and Beary right – need a second cup of coffee brain isn’t working sorry!) you are their entire world, and everything you have done for them could be classed as magnificent in their eyes, That’s the amazing thing about our pets!
My attempt – here is a big hug and if I could I would bring you a toy to play with cause that always makes me feel better!
Big hug!!
Thank you typists and thank you Dalton. Hugs and toys {even virtual ones} are greatly appreciated. x
I constantly feel like that, and incredibly lonely. I don’t have any family and only a couple of friends if that. I have two incredibly beautiful furry girls.
You haven’t travelled because you have been career oriented. You chose to have a beautiful baby, lucky baby that one. That man will arrive one day sooner rather than later. Your two furry bubs love you and are also incredibly lucky. It’s all ok, it’s going to work out. This is just a phase probably a lot to do with your friend passing.
Please focus on your blog and promoting it and getting sponsors/advertisers, I know you can do this and it will make a huge difference to your life. I know it.
Your blog and your passion for healthy cooking and family is what will be the next exciting stage in your life.
You are grieving. Take your time, to remember your friend and to feel your loss. When someone loses their life of course it forces us to examine our own. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I think motherhood can be a very lonely place as we are “trapped”, and decisions not as easy as if we were just one. I lost a friend who was just 39 with 3 kids. I went crazy about where I was, and what I was doing with my life, in life after she died. Hold your bubba close.
After being a Mother of three children and many furfriends, my last son moved out. I have my husband and Newfs and friends and all my kids live close, but I am struggling with empty nest. After years if noise and crises and problems, wishing I could just have a little time of piece and QUIET! I now wake up to a totally quiet, empty house of kids ( my Newfs are very quiet so them don’t wake me. The house feels, sounds and is empty just what I wished for, but now so lonely. I have also been with many people for a few years as a single Mom and was so lonely. Each phase brings something new to adjust to and will have lonely times (since loneliness comes from within) but then something great will happen and all loneliness will disappear. People and animals don’t always fulfill our needs. Good Luck and much hugs 🙂
It’s funny, reading your post really hit home, I have had very similar thoughts and feelings for a while now. The difference between us is that I am a few years behind you – 36, single and happy in so many parts of my life, yet I yearn to be a mother. I visit your blog regularly and your honest posts have given me daily strength to ‘let go’ of the traditional dream of a nuclear family, and instead consider and embrace the options now available to us singletons. Motherhood can be a lonely job. One of my married friends recently confessed after the birth of her second that she was envious of me, despite me moaning about the clock ticking every minute in my ear! I think it can be a very lonely stage of life, yet hopefully not forever! Hang in there, you are doing a good job – an expert opinion based on your daughter’s beautiful smile 🙂
Thank you … for stopping by regularly, and for commenting. As utterly divine as my Love Bug is, letting go of the traditional dream is a very very very hard road to travel. But there seem to be more of us taking it. Better that than missing out on being a mumma. I love your name – it was on my very short list for Bubba!