I miss you when you’re sleeping

Bubba slept through the night last night. Right through the night. It may have been my fault just a little. I thought I’d just lay down and read for a little while before her 10:30pm feed.

And I fell asleep. Very asleep. On the bed bus to dreamland. Sunk into my pillow and mattress as though we were one. The kind of sleep that being a single and still relatively new mumma, I’d forgotten about.

The kind of sleep that when you wake from at 1am you sit bolt upright in bed and rack your brain. Did I wake up at 10:30pm? Did I feed the bubba. Then panic when you realise that in fact you didn’t do either. Is the bubba okay? Is she starving? Has she been crying in hunger for 3 hours while her mumma slept ignorantly 3 feet away? No? Then is she still breathing?

Falling over my still asleep limbs to fling myself bodily into her cot, she stirs. Phew, she’s still alive. Yes, I do worry about that. Every single night. And I’m likely to continue to worry about it for the next 84 years. Or so.

Instead of lifting her out of her cot to feed her, I decide to get a bottle ready and just prop her up a little. She has half a sip and pushes me sleepily away. I try again. Same reaction. Hmmm … maybe it’s time to just leave her at this point and see if she sleeps through. If she wakes up at 2 or 3 or 4 or 5am, I’ll just feed her then. It may be time to test sleeping through the night, not just from 10:30pm.

I’m not sure I sleep too well for the rest of the evening, aware of having an ear open for any noise she may make when she wakes up and realises how hungry she is. But I manage a light sleep.

At 5:30am I hear a noise. Her waking up noises. Then her gorgeous chatting and singing starts about ten minutes later. She hasn’t woken up starving, or if she has, she’s doing it quietly. She seems happy enough chatting to her toy puppy – no doubt telling him how her silly mumma slept right through.

So tonight, I’ve fed her, given her a top up bottle and put her to bed. I’m not going to wake her up at 10:30pm. Instead I’m going to see if she sleeps through. But I’ll miss her. I miss her when she’s sleeping and even though she never really woke up when I fed her the dream feed, it was still more time for us to spend together.

Hopefully I’ll dream about her. That should help me miss her a little less.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. You will really learn to appreciate that sleeping through the night thing.

  2. Bassas Blog says:

    So lovely! You have perfectly captured the roller coaster of emotions.

  3. Suzanne says:

    I remember that feeling when they slept through the night – that surely there was something wrong – how could I not have heard them all night – what if something bad had happened….. creeping down the hallway to check that they were still breathing – and thankfully for us – yes they always were. Keep up the good work love, I feel like I know Poppy so well, even though I’ve not met her yet – one of these days….!! 😉

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