I can’t help but wonder if they maybe did my insemination too early? I had a normal cycle for me – 27 days, but they did the insemination on day 10, with a 27 day cycle it should have been day 14, or 12-13 at most? I’m so incredibly sad today. All of the feelings of sadness that I had swept under the carpet about the Older Man have all come to the surface with my feelings of sadness and loss about having a baby. My heart is totally and utterly broken.

It’s been a bit of a rough week. Haven’t really felt like talking. Still have cramps and mild period. Hideous after 7 days! Thankfully it’s Easter this weekend – chocolate, friends and a few champagnes should help to cheer me up. I continue to be disappointed by the Older Man and his actions. How quickly someone can go from being the person you share your most secret self with to your biggest disappointment?

A nurse called from the clinic today to talk about my cycle and how I was feeling about it and when I’m going to try next. Not this month that’s for sure. I need some time to build up my strength again.

The Older Man called twice yesterday and once today.  I didn’t answer the first call yesterday because I was in the office. I missed his second call and I missed his call today. He got me eventually and said he thought about me a lot but figured I didn’t want to hear from him. I probably shouldn’t want to hear from him. He said he’s been having a hard time but not as hard as what I’ve been having. I said that I wanted to ask, but also didn’t really want to hear what he’s going through. He said he’s been missing me. I would hope so (and told him so). He said that he got his shirt in last night’s post and made a conscious decision to wear it today because it smelt like me. Probably because it had been hanging in my wardrobe for a couple of weeks. He said he’s never had that connection before with a smell that just makes him happy. He said it made him happy when he got it out of the post bag last night and it made him happy all day today because he kept smelling my perfume and that makes him think only of happy times with me. In spite of myself I thoroughly enjoyed talking to him. I can’t help but wonder if all is not as rosy as it maybe should be in his life? I know though, that I can’t let myself think about that at all. Ugh, why is it all so god damned hard. I miss him. I miss us.