(Disclaimer: I have oscillated wildly about publishing this post. I hate the thought that one day Bubba will read this and think that I felt anything other than the best things about her. I feel as if I’m somehow betraying her by putting her behaviour out there for all to see. As you’re now reading, you’ll see my decision to publish won out – because I think it’s important that we all realise that being in a parent/child relationship is just like any other relationship. There are times when you love that person and would lay down your life for them, even if right at that moment the last thing you want to do is be their friend. Mothers who have already been here will know, and those who are yet to arrive need to know: toddlers can be very hard work. Oh, and in the 36 or so hours since this all took place, Bubba has been an absolute angel. Toddlers are also Jekyll and Hyde! And I did promise, over and above, to give an honest account of motherhood.)
On Sunday evening Love Bug was being a first class brat not very nice. Looking me straight in the eye and doing something I’ve asked her nicely not to, then said no to, and finally yelled NO at the top of my voice. Poor Bella and Beary look at me confused in these moments as if to say we didn’t do anything wrong – any tips on how to not stress your dogs out while you get through toddlerhood would be greatly appreciated!
This came on the back of an afternoon where she refused a sleep and was generally being disagreeable all around. No I don’t want my nappy changed. No I don’t want to share. With you, the dogs or grandma. No I don’t want to drink my water. No I don’t want to behave. Well, maybe she didn’t outright let me know the last one – but that was her general message.
No I don’t want my dinner. No I won’t leave my placemat and cup on the table, I’d rather throw them on the floor. No I don’t want to get in the bath. No I don’t want to get out of the bath. And no no no there is no way you are cutting my fingernails, I don’t care how sharp they are. No now that I’m out of the bath I definitely do NOT want you to dry me. I don’t care if it sounds to the neighbours like you’re trying to murder me rather than just put my nappy on. I don’t want my nappy on. Or my pyjamas.
No cuddles for you. Or kisses. Instead you can have a slap from Bubba. Because that’s what exhausted mummas need to make them feel a whole lot better.
NOT.
Are you with me? Getting the general idea of where our evening was up to? This can’t possibly continue for a moment longer I think to myself. At which point the Bad Idea Bear inside my head says (very helpfully) she’s not even two yet. Shut UP Bad Idea Bear.
It is absolutely bottle and bed time.
Good plan mumma. Bubba never refuses her bottle, or the chance to snuggle down on my bed with mumma and her beloved puppies and have a chat, sing a song, have some cuddles and giggles before bed.
Until Sunday night. Normally as soon as I sit on the bed she says down mumma so I’m laying close beside her. Sunday night I laid down and do you want to know what she did?
She slapped me. On the face. And one of those scratchy little fingernails got my eyeball.
Ouch. And not just physical ouch, but she really managed to hurt my feelings.
I may be being stupid. I’m probably supposed to have some grown up instinct that tells me to just deal with it. Instead I got up off the bed, said to her to call me when she was finished, walked out of my room and burst into tears.
After a self-imposed time out for a couple of minutes, I went back in. She was talking to the dogs nicely so I laid down. She pushed me away.
I carried her to bed, went through the usual list of people we love and leaned in for my night night kiss. No. And she pushed me away again.
I walked out of her room and closed the door. I sat down on our stairs and cried. For the first time in 22 months, I put my daughter to bed loving her more than anything on earth, but not liking her much at all.
Ten minutes, lots of puppy cuddles (and a few sips of medicinal gin and tonic!) later, I heard her crying. I went to her and she was standing up in her cot, arms out and big fat tears streaming down her face. It was as if she knew she’d really hurt my feelings. I gave her cuddles and kisses, breathed her in and tried to be super present the moment she said love you and put her to bed again, this time feeling much better as I closed her door.
But I could not shake the horrible feeling – and I’m still having trouble now – of thinking for one minute that I didn’t like her. I don’t like the naughtiness. The outright disobedience. Or the fact that she could ever do anything that would make me think anything other than the world of her.
And the worst part is not that I didn’t like her for a moment or ten. It’s how much I don’t like me for thinking and feeling like that.
I don’t like it at all.
bumpyroadtobubba 
My only advice is to keep that gin and tonic on hand. It IS called a “bumpy” road after all…. 🙂
And thank heavens for puppy love always, but particularly in those moments! x
I’m glad you wrote this. Sounds like Bubba was trying out a bit of assertiveness! I can just imagine how you must have felt – so hurt. Been there. I think you are such a wonderful mother.
Thank you … I’m tryng hard, but some days are really trying me! x
Perfectly normal.
Bravo! That is a wonderfully open and honest post, and I loved reading it. I too have felt that guilt – and my bubba is only 15 months old! I like to think that she is pushing the boundaries and learning about herself, finding her place in the world and working out her own limits – all very valuable lessons! I have been meaning to comment on here for ages, I wanted to let you know that I adore your blog. I found you on Mamamia one day and read through your entire blog from start to finish in one go. Your bubba is beautiful (she reminds me of my own bubba), and your writing is just lovely. I look for your post every day on my email! Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Much love x
Thank you for reading our whole story and every day! And thanks for your support re publishing this post. Motherhood is tough some days, but best to be honest about it and know we’re all in it together. You’re right about finding their place in the world and pushing limits – I just wish they could do that without hurting their mummas. xox
Oh Darling, i so hear you. My bubba is not yet two either and everything is NO and the hitting that is the worst, he is super strong sometimes it really hurts. I can’t get my little boy to understand that it hurts no matter what we say he laughs! It can be really awful. I try to stay calm and if not like you i walk away to cry. This gives time out to you both to calm down. I have short meditation apps on my phone that i can listen to for 5 or 10 mins in moments such as this. I put my little one where he is safe i tell him that he is making me sad and that i am going into the next room so we can both calm down. When i return i ask him if he has calmed down and would he like to keep on with the day if he agrees i then promise him his favourite book for later. Hope this helps xo
I know I’m not alone, but I am SO glad I decided to publish this post because the support has been great! Thanks x
Great post! Oh my friend, we have all went through this… she has learned that she has power and that no gives her the power to control things…. She is beginning her walk into her own independent personhood…. its not easy, it hurts and we have all went through it. She is also learning that using her new found power is also hard, painful and not always what she wants…. she will experiment…. you are doing a great job. Sometimes, it is hard to watch them grow up and to learn to fly…. but in the end it all works out great for the day will come when she will say thank you Mom for all that you did as she tells you about her daughter telling her no… 🙂
God Bless You!
The collies and chuck 🙂
Oh it’s so lovely to hear from you guys – and thanks for the support! x
our apologies for not visiting lately.. work has been a bear.. but we are back!!! 🙂 Great posts! ! 🙂
I’m so glad you decided to publish this post… Along with all the wonderful parts to being a Mummy I think it’s very important to touch on the difficult & frustrating aspects too xx
Thanks – and lovely to see a familiar name in the comments! Hope you’re all well. xox
I hope that tomorrow is a better day!
Sending a gigantic hug XO
Thanks – tonight was much better! But I’ll take all the hugs on offer 🙂 x
Visiting from Rumpy’s blog. I think EVERY mother has felt what you’re feeling, whether they readily admit it or not.
It’s called the Terrible Two’s and “this, too, shall pass”. Just beware that adolescence isn’t much easier…..;)
Take care!
Thanks for stopping by – we love Rumpy and were so excited to be interviewed for his famous blog! At least I have a few years to prepare for adolescence. My skin may be a bit thicker by then 🙂
I’m not a mother so I cannot say I know what you’re going through. I can say that I have worked a great deal with young children. Erikson proposed that children at this age and stage of development are learning Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt. Bubba is learning she is a person separate from her Mumma. It’s a difficult lesson for both of you to endure. So hang in there, and remind yourself that now your sweet little girl is learning to be her own person. Who says early childhood is not important!
http://psychology.about.com/od/psychosocialtheories/a/autonomy-versus-shame-and-doubt.htm
Yes I remember learning about that stage during my child care studies. Thanks for reminding me! I gotta pull that stuff out to help me remember with my little one that it’s a normal stage! Xo
Thank you so much – I actually studied early childhood at college but never worked in it. It’s a good reminder to go back and read some of what I learned all those years ago.
Oh dear this sounds just like my second love bug. My first girl was never physical with me (we did endure tantrums and meltdowns) but I don’t recall her ever hitting out at me. She was (and is) very gentle and a peacemaker. My second – not so much. Sister, dad and I all bear the brunt of her little fists – and there sometimes six tantrums a day! Strangely between this she is the most incredibly affectionate little girl – always wanting to be as close to me as possible – and will wake me in the middle of the night to tell me I am a beautiful mummy and she loves me! It’s a bumpy ride, for sure.
Bubba is usually the most calm, placid, loving and caring little creature – I think that maybe makes it a little more difficult! Thanks for stopping by. Even though you know deep down you’re not the only one going through it, in the moment it sure feels that way!
I do love all the support that’s come your way. It’s hard to have this little creature that you love better than anything suddenly become someone else. She will test you and test you time and again, but, just remember…she’s still Bubba and you are doing an magnificent job with her. I can remember many a bumpy road with my daughter. There were times that I felt just like you did and she grew up to be a wonderful person, as well as a wonderful daughter.
It is hard … but it’s lovely to hear from someone who is a grandmother that it turns out okay! x
I think that is pretty normal. I recall my mother telling me that when I was a teen, although she loved me, she did not like me very much. 🙂 I was a pain. I understood. 🙂