I’ve learned a lesson this past month. It’s been a really hard lesson for me. I’d go so far as to say incredibly hard. For an independent soul who can generally do anything I set my mind to, learning to accept help doesn’t come easily. I have been alone more than not as an adult, so doing things for myself is just business as usual.

About a month ago I got sick. Well, not sick so much as unwell. I was getting nausea and dizzy spells and having headaches. Bad headaches. Not migranes, just headaches. Not someone to generally get headaches, this was a new thing for me. I figured I had some virus and just got on with things for 10 days or so, but then decided things weren’t getting any better so I probably should ask a medical professional.

Seems none of the medical professionals I saw were too happy with my ongoing symptoms either. I have been tested for all manner of things. Some things required further investigation. Some roads lead nowhere, others somewhere.

There have been some tests that I would honestly rather not have again. Like a brain MRI. Having one of those is a pretty quick way to determine whether you’re claustrophobic. Which apparently I am. I need to have another one in a few months – next time I’m going to take all the happy pills they’ll hand me before I get in that machine again. And I’m going to cross everything that will be my last. It felt very Silence of the Lambs having that face and chest mask on! I almost hit the panic button so they’d let me out, but over and over in my mind I thought: if I get out now, they are going to have to put me back in again. I couldn’t help but feel for anyone who is subjected to those tests regularly.

So here we are a month further along. Today I’ve been out for a couple of hours so Love Bug could enjoy a vegan Easter egg hunt at a local park. I did this with the aid of three different types of drugs and friends to drive us there and home, and take Love Bug for a play date after so I can rest.

I continue to have debilitating headaches, nausea akin to the horrid morning sickness I had while pregnant with Love Bug, dizziness and am vertically challenged {needing to lay down once I’ve been up for more than an hour}, but I am grateful.

I’m alive.
The sun is shining.
I don’t have a terminal illness.
I have a gorgeous child who has taken ‘mumma has a headache’ for a month with such grace and care.
I have a roof over my head.
The moonlit night has been beautiful this week.
I have food to eat and water to drink.
I live in a country where the medical system supports my needs. Sure, some of the doctors and tests have cost more money than I had in my bank account, but some of them were also on Medicare. And I didn’t have to go on any huge waiting list.

What I am most grateful for is the support I have had. A lot of that support has come from places I wasn’t expecting. And sometimes not from places I was. If I have learned anything in the past month it is how to say yes to help. And how to ask for it when I have needed it most.

I am insanely grateful for the help I’ve received. For the people who have taken Love Bug to school and brought her home again. For the people who have taken the four-legged loves for walks. For those who have arrived with food. Or flowers. Or a hug on the days it has seemed a little too unbearable. I’m grateful for the support and understanding of those I work with. I’m grateful for the technology which enables me to still perform my job with a laptop and phone – from the horizontal position. For the love of my gorgeous dogs who have been smooshed as close to me as they can be the whole time.

I’m not better yet. There’s been no underscored diagnosis. But I am in the care of people who have made it their lives to study why our bodies do what they do. I am also protected by my angels. Some who walk with me, and some on another plane.

I’ve learned a very important lesson in acceptance. Not a quick or easy study. But these necessary lessons rarely are.

Some days it really does take a village…