How is it that a year has passed since I held my fuzzy soul mate for the last time? I didn’t want it to be yesterday, or last week, or last month, or earlier this year, or last year … and I can barely fathom that it is now the anniversary of her passing.

365 days and nights, none of which have lessened the ache of losing her. I miss her every day with a force that crushes my chest. Every silver snouted dog we pass feels my heart contract and tears spring to my eyes. A couple of weeks ago Love Bug and I saw a dog who looked just like her and I couldn’t even stop to pat that precious friend.

A few months after we lost her, I saw a couple walking a young puppy near Love Bug’s school. It was not long after I’d gotten my tattoo. The puppy was identical to a young Bella. She lept up at me and I started to laugh. I explained to them the likeness of her to the dog I’d recently lost, and held out my wrist to show them my tattoo. They looked at each other, then me. Her name is Bella.

Her loss from our home has not been an easy one. Love Bug has been seeing an exceptional children’s grief psychologist, which began about six months after we lost Bella.

Beary spends 90% of his days and nights on my bed. I can’t help but wonder sometimes if it’s because that’s where he was with her last. Obviously, I’m projecting my human emotions onto him, and it may just be that now he’s a little older, a little whiter in the face, and a little less agile, that my bed is the comfiest place he can be.

The arrival of Harry into our lives has certainly been a bright spark. For all of his utterly crazy puppy moments {shredding the plants and tearing out plant beds, digging mole holes in our back garden – some big enough to stick his head right in, dismembering ‘tough’ dog toys in a manner of moments, I could go on, but you get the idea!}; he has many of Bella’s traits.

Love Bug said to me that she thinks when Harry was born, Angel Bella visited him and told him:  

This is how you be a dog Harry …
~ burrow in the pillows on mumma’s bed
~ snooze in a certain spot in the bathroom
~ find the sunniest spot and soak up the rays
~ always look after the pre-wash – the dishwasher can’t do it alone
~ do a bit of excited pee as soon as you see someone you love
~ snuggle up to mumma while she sleeps
~ lay on the end of Love Bug’s bed at night when she and mumma are having their good night snuggs and chats
~ counter surf
~ wag your tail so hard that it {a} threatens to wag right off; {b} it thumps everything nearby; {c} is obvious to someone who can only see your snout around the corner that your tail is wagging
~ detonate all toy squeakers
~ be an enthusiastic sous chef
~ be the cutest vacuum cleaner

She is with us always in our hearts. I still speak to her audibly and there are times I’m sure I hear the clip clip of her paws walking up the hallway, or see a flash of tail disappear through the door. If I close my eyes, I can still breathe in the sunshine, warm dirt and popcorn smell of her paws and feel the soft fur on the top of her head between her ears.

Bella, I miss you so. I loved you then. I love you now. I’ll love you always.