Can I imagine my life without a child in it? I don’t want to. This girl who always wanted three daughters can (almost) even imagine having a son.

I want the romance of falling in love and making a baby the way nature intended it. The picture in my mind never included slow dancing with a turkey baster. I didn’t want a sexless route to motherhood. Does making the decision to do this alone mean I’m giving up on romance? I certainly hope not. Who is to say I won’t have a baby then meet the love of my life? Does the fact that I chose to become a mother first if I do meet someone make us any less of a family? I don’t know the answers to these questions but I do know that I don’t want to wake up one day and regret that I can’t have a child because I was holding out for the fairytale of doing things ‘the right way’.

Maybe I could adopt a child? I adopted a neglected puppy 4 years ago and the two vets she’s seen in her life have both commented that they can tell she’s a well loved pup. I have no doubt that an adopted child would never want for love, security, friendship, affection and caring. But I want to be and feel pregnant. I want to carry a child. So, until someone tells me that I can’t physically do it that way, I want to try. I worry about being ‘fat’. I worry about not being appealing or attractive to others. Those last two things may sound superficial, but I’m being honest. And of course, I worry about the myriad serious things as well. What if I get sick while I’m pregnant? I don’t have money to fall back on? What if something happens to the baby? There are so many enormous questions. Yet they all seem unanswered or unanswerable.

I feel like my heart is broken, I just feel like crying – I have that sad dull feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m carrying all the loss of years gone on my shoulders and in my heart today. The afternoon ahead of me includes an appointment with a traditional Indonesian healer. But first, some ginger tea and a little time reading by the pool. I bought five books with me to read – all books about making the choice to become a single mother.