Making the decision to become a mother on my own is facing the reality that in 20-something years of dating, no-one has loved me enough to want to make me their family and to make a family with me. No-one has loved me enough to want to make me their family and to make a family with me. I repeated it because it’s such an enormous realisation and such an awful reality to face. Trust me, it took a long time to be able to write it down.
People think (this I know because they say it – even people I don’t know well): stop looking, he’ll show up when you least expect him; everything happens for a reason; try internet dating (tick – that is a whole other story … or set of blogs, or book!); lower your standards (and end up in a relationship that’s less than I deserve? No thank you); raise your standards (they’re fine just as they are); tell your friends to set you up (tick); go out with people even if you don’t think they’re your type (tick – because let’s face it, what’s a coffee or a glass of wine in the scheme of things? And if he’s not right for me, he may be right for another of my fabulous single girlfriends); and my current favourite: stop dating younger men! I could regail the statistics of younger men/older women relationship success stories, but that’s for another time and place. I like to date younger men. My relationships with them have been successful in the past, so why wouldn’t they be in the future? Oh, and I forgot one: he’s just around the corner. Trust me, I’ve been lapping the dating block for more than 20 years – he isn’t around any bloody corner!
So, now that I’ve faced that monumentous – and utterly heart-breaking – realisation, I have to face the next one: I am getting older. Fact. My fertility is plummeting. Fact. My eggs are old. Fact. Genetically, women in my family are pre disposed to early menopause. Fact. I have a history of endometriosis and PCOS. Fact. While people say I don’t look my age, and I certainly don’t feel or act my age, those other facts loom in black and white. And I have to face them. Soon. Then soon turned into NOW. So here I am, lying on a daybed in Ubud, drinking a glass of red wine, listening to music, watching night fall over the rice paddies, relaxed from my massage and facing this enormous life decision.