Why was I never enough?

Making the decision to become a mother on my own is facing the reality that in 20-something years of dating, no-one has loved me enough to want to make me their family and to make a family with me. No-one has loved me enough to want to make me their family and to make a family with me. I repeated it because it’s such an enormous realisation and such an awful reality to face. Trust me, it took a long time to be able to write it down.

People think (this I know because they say it – even people I don’t know well): stop looking, he’ll show up when you least expect him; everything happens for a reason; try internet dating (tick – that is a whole other story … or set of blogs, or book!); lower your standards (and end up in a relationship that’s less than I deserve? No thank you); raise your standards (they’re fine just as they are); tell your friends to set you up (tick); go out with people even if you don’t think they’re your type (tick – because let’s face it, what’s a coffee or a glass of wine in the scheme of things? And if he’s not right for me, he may be right for another of my fabulous single girlfriends); and my current favourite: stop dating younger men! I could regail the statistics of younger men/older women relationship success stories, but that’s for another time and place. I like to date younger men. My relationships with them have been successful in the past, so why wouldn’t they be in the future? Oh, and I forgot one: he’s just around the corner. Trust me, I’ve been lapping the dating block for more than 20 years – he isn’t around any bloody corner!

So, now that I’ve faced that monumentous – and utterly heart-breaking – realisation, I have to face the next one: I am getting older. Fact. My fertility is plummeting. Fact. My eggs are old. Fact. Genetically, women in my family are pre disposed to early menopause. Fact. I have a history of endometriosis and PCOS. Fact. While people say I don’t look my age, and I certainly don’t feel or act my age, those other facts loom in black and white. And I have to face them. Soon. Then soon turned into NOW. So here I am, lying on a daybed in Ubud, drinking a glass of red wine, listening to music, watching night fall over the rice paddies, relaxed from my massage and facing this enormous life decision.

10 Comments Add yours

  1. Cynthia says:

    Amazing ….and your writing is fab….u could write a best seller MJ. No problem there honey. If the book gets launched imagine all those men ….u could choose or beat them off with a stick. To be continued. ps i know its your story but u have good humour in there as well which makes it interesting. Great cover…. Single by chance mother by choice…i can just see it on the shelf… Cynth 🙂

  2. Chris says:

    Darling you know i love you so i can give it to you straight. I think you, like many other women, have been affected by shows like SATC. there is no perfect man and i think it’s more about abolishing your standards because they are unrealistic. Sometimes good enough is enough. Plenty of men want you. I think it’s more about you pushing these wild expectations onto them and saying you deserve better. Turn it around and think ‘what does a man deserve from me?’ and you’re on the right track x

    1. I hate to have to disagree with you, but I don’t think there is such a thing as a perfect man. I never have. Searching for perfection is a futile pass time. I’ve been out with plenty of imperfect men. The one who was the love of my life to date was far from perfect but he was perfect for me at the time. I don’t put any expectations other than for them to be at the same stage in life as me, to show me respect and love me for who I am – and I will offer the same. That’s not what this blog is about though – it’s about not meeting anyone who wanted to have a family with me – not meeting someone perfect! x

  3. That first paragraph has struck such a cord with me. It’s depressing to think that no-one has loved me enough but it’s true. I’m starting on the Single Mother By Choice path after much soul-searching and I’m really excited. Thanks for sharing your story. x

    1. Thanks T … I’ve read your blogs and so many memories came flooding back! It’s awesome for me to know that my blog has helped in some little way – that’s why I started writing it. You are a strong, brave, amazing girl & deserve all the utter joy that is coming your way. Even on the bumpy days remember there are people you’ve never even met who are on your side cheering you on – me included! xox

  4. Alison says:

    I have just discovered your blog and as someone who is about to start the journey into single motherhood by choice I am sitting here in tears reading your entries. It’s like you are writing down my innermost thoughts – and it helps so much to know I’m not alone and I’m not the only person to feel this way or have to choose this path. I’ve only read 4 entries so far but already I feel so connected to your story. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story and to do it honestly and bluntly! You’ve made my path a little easier now 🙂

    1. Hi A, I hope you know you are absolutely not alone … even though it REALLY feels like it some days! Not sure where you are in the world, but there are lots of us scattered around. I started a Facebook group in my area thinking I’d get a few people – and we now have over 100 members. Maybe we’ll take over and become the ‘normal’ family soon? 🙂 x

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