Tough love

I was talking to a friend about my indecision a few weeks ago. We went to school together so it’s the kind of friendship that will withstand anything life throws our way. She looked at me and said ‘You can’t not do this! All you’ve ever wanted since I met you was to be a mother. You’ll be a wonderful mother. You have said for years that you would do it alone if you had to.’ Tough love.

She’s right. I did say it. I said ‘when I get to 35, if I’m still single …’ 35 came and went. I had time on my side and hope that I would meet someone and even if we dated for a year then married, I’d still have time. My next hurdle was 37. Same story … even if we meet and marry after a year, even if it takes us a while to fall pregnant, I’ll still have my first baby by 40. Needless to say, 37 came and went then 38 came and was half gone when the doubt crept in. I’ve thought of very little else for 6 months. I work, I socialise, I come home and go to bed … and instead of sleeping I think, I wonder – alone.

How did I get to be this girl? The one who is 9 months shy of turning 40, still single and definitely now won’t have her first child by the time she’s 40? What happened to the other me? The one who – 9 months before her 40th birthday would look at her gorgeous family (husband, 3 children, dogs) and be thankful for how blessed she is and then turn her mind to wondering what she might need to do to look amazing for her 40th birthday? The other me who celebrated engagement, marriage, honeymoon, home renovating, babymoon, first (second, third) positive pregnancy tests, new babies, teaching older siblings (and furry friends) about younger ones and watching them grow. Family holidays, first days at school, outgrowng our first home. That girl is the girl I thought I’d be by now. Not this girl.

I know what the stall in my desire to become a mother is. I understand the problem. I do. I always said I would do it on my own. I know I could and would be successful at it. It wouldn’t always be easy, but I could do it. I said I would. But I don’t think, deep in my heart of hearts, that I ever really thought I’d have to do it alone.

Surely not?

4 Comments Add yours

  1. kezabel says:

    I know this is an old post, but all of your posts are new to me as of today! I can’t tell you what a comfort it is to read another person’s story and feel it resonate. I wonder how many women have a similar story to ‘tough love’? As someone just about to reach ‘insemination date number 1’ I think that your blog will be of great help. Thanks!

    1. Firstly, congratulations for making such a life-changing (for the better!) decision. I’m excited for you and hope you’re one of the 1 in 4 that the first insemination works for. I look forward to hearing your progress and am so glad you found some comfort in sharing our story. It really is a happy one.

  2. KB says:

    I just found your blog, This post fits me exactly! I’ve wanted to be a Mom as long as I could remember and I always said I would do it on my own if I had to. I’m just having a hard time realizing I’ve come to the point of actually having to do it on my own. I often wonder “How did I get here”? “How did I become who I am today”? Today, I’m at the point of choosing a donor and hoping it all turns out OK…

    1. Wow, congratulations! I’m excited for you to start this journey and glad you found my bumpy road story! Just maybe don’t read today’s post 😉 Keep me posted with your progress and get in touch if you want to chat! X

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