Even though it was ultimately my decision, today I am heartbroken. Last night was (as always) amazing. It is always so easy and lovely to be together. From the minute he got in the cab at the start of the night and said ‘nothing’s changed, you’re still gorgeous’ to the end of the night when I said ‘admiring me isn’t enough – you need to love me’, got in the cab and drove away, it was wonderful. He talked about how brave and strong and amazing he thinks I am, and how phenomenal I am to be embarking on this journey alone with such strength, how beautiful I am inside and out.
For now though, what he has to offer me isn’t good enough. He knows it. I know it. Early during dinner he was talking about the letter I’d sent him telling him why I need to leave us behind to be able to move forward and he got very teary. That was good for me to see. Sad, but good to know that I’m not the only one breaking on the inside. He talked about how beautiful he thinks I’m going to be when I’m pregnant.
We had a lovely dinner in the eastern part of the city, then walked almost all the way back to his hotel, stopping beneath the fairy lit trees of the park to sit on a park bench, talk some more and cry. There is no doubt in his mind that what we feel is real. There is no doubt in mine that he loves me. But yet, even after all of this, he still couldn’t say it. Someone to Watch Over Me was playing when we got in the cab. I think to myself if my story is ever made into a movie, that tune will be playing during this scene.
I was crying when I left him. But it is time to respect me and prioritise me and bubba. I hope against all hope that he will wake up to himself one day and beg for me back, but for now I have to move forward without that thought in my mind.