It’s no news that Bubba hasn’t been well.
Nights are hardest when you have a cold. This has definitely been the case in our home for the past few nights. Two hourly wake ups (at their longest stretch) have taken me back to the first 10 weeks of Love Bug’s life.
But back then I didn’t have to go to out into the real world, deal with public transport, work and function like a responsible grown up. I didn’t even have to leave the house if I didn’t want to!
I wear my heart on my sleeve at the best of times. I could never play poker. Whatever I am feeling is obvious. This is even more so when I’m tired. And I passed tired about a month ago.
So this morning when my manager (who, it should be pointed out at this point, is a boy) asked me for a baby wipe to clean the spilt coffee from his shirt because ‘it looks like I’m lactating‘, horror took over my being.
I put my head in my hands, started to cry and laugh at the same time.
Laugh because it has to be a joke my mind is playing on me.
Cry because it’s not.
When I stumbled out of bed for the final time, I gave Bubba her breakfast: organic spelt bread toasted with organic honey. It was her first taste of honey on toast, and she loved it. So did Bella and Bear! Bubba seemed thirsty and drank a lot of water.
Probably because I forgot to feed her this morning.
Forgot. To. Feed. My. Bubba.
Forgot to take her warm, just woken up body out of bed and hold her to me to feed her the sustenance she needs to start her day.
How on earth could I have done that?
How do you forget to feed your baby? I only breastfeed her once each day now. It’s not too much to try to remember, surely?
I feel sick. She is 14 months old today. Exhaustion claimed me and I didn’t do my fundamental mumma job.
I just forgot and now I am wracked with guilt. More guilt to add to the mother guilt pile.
Is forgetting to feed your bubba grounds to have my Mumma card revoked?