All I took was a baby step and I feel like I leapt from a cliff. OVERWHELMED leads to MELTDOWN. On Pitt Street. In the city. At peak hour.

I felt sick with nerves this morning. Even more than I normally do when facing any kind of needle. (Of course, it would be much more palpable if Edward Cullen could draw the blood – yes, there is a teenage girl trapped inside my body!) This needle and the associated frightening amounts of blood draining from it will tell me if I’m physically ready to have a baby. I’m hoping that I pass this test and feel filled with nerves that I won’t. 7, 11 and 4 are my lucky numbers so I’m taking the fact that there were 4 people in the waiting room when I got to pathology, I was patient number 7 and they took 11 vials of blood as positive signs.

During the time it takes to drain 11 vials of blood (through a very thin but slow needle!), the following happened:

I received an email from a girlfriend (re donor sperm): Oh my god – how exciting … where is it coming from? If it comes from overseas will the baby have an accent or come out speaking more than one language? [Or even just a Greencard?]

I received a text from another friend wishing me a blessed and joyous day.

I received a call from my hair salon confirming appointment for me and my daughter (it was for my sister in reality, but am hoping this is a sign).

I received a call from the fertility clinic to confirm my appointment next Tuesday.

The universe and its timing sure seem eerie some days.

After spending some time lying down willing the dizzy feeling to pass, I finally went out into the beautiful late Spring morning and was hit by a wave of emotion. I did the only thing I could think of and called my sister. Of course, as soon I heard her voice all I could do was cry. Thank all the guardian angels in the world for little sisters. Well, for my little sister at least!

I have finally taken the first tangible step I can’t help but wonder why has no-one loved me enough to want to go on this journey with me?